The Long Haul

After two years of rage, insanity, drunkeness, anti-depressants, sickeness and death, just liek that, it's over. My marriage, that is. Today is the day the final draft of my settlement agreement was mastered and executed by both parties, as the lawyers like to say, but if we were having parties, I missed the keg.

The lawyers must have been laughing over their respective beers when they met after work at the Barrister, a local pub down the road from the courthouse. "My client's definitely crazy. And, they're arguing about a total divorce estate of under $300K - do you believe that?" her lawyer would say. My lawyer would have responded, "Listen, all I know is that I'm making my house payments on time and should I complain if they want to try to kill each other? It's all . . ." "Billable time!" finishes her lawyer. They chortle and order another round.

If I did this, if I did that. If, if, if. Well, I didn't The outcome would have been the same in terms of dollars and cents. I would still feel dirty and used and alone. Look at McGreevy - the judge didn't believe either of them and denied wifey alimony and awarded the typical child support based on New Jersey's juducal guidelines for that. Case closed.

In my universe, it's a matter of what I can do to go forward from here. How long before I have a house, fix my car, sleep without having to lock my bedroom door? So, I gave away my interest in the house in exchange for no alimony and the assumption of about half the debt, but I keep the car and the car payments, and the deal's off if the derogatory credit issues don't start disappearing within about two weeks, since they're not mine. When all is said and done, because I don't have to spend another $15K in legal fees, I actually come out ahead a little bit, better and sooner than if I went to court.

And that's the point. The disengagement, I mean. It's important to separate the evil grown-ups, give them a starting point and move on to the next case, as far as the courts are concerned. And that's a pretty good way of looking at it. Be fair, set aside all emotion, and git'r'done. It's over, baby, so, move it along. No purpose is served otherwise. Yes, you're right in your righteous indignation but, so what?

So here's my advice: agree to take care of your kids and their future. Make sure that both people have an equal shot at recasting their lives. No, a house isn't required to raise a family, sorry ladies. If Mr. Man needs to live in an apartment, maybe you do, too. Pay off those debts. Get your ducks in a row and dial all your sh*t back to when he was that cute guy you met at your cousin's wedding and she was that babe you couldn't wait to nail when she could still pull off the midriff tee. Respect yourself by NOT giving in to the temptation to fight back, instead, press forward for a resolution. And, here's the key: if you think any legal document is going to "protect" you, let me tell you that after dealing with contract law for fifteen years, unless both parties benefit and enthusiastically support the terms, forget it. You MUST give 60% and so must the other side - get it? Otherwise, forget it. There are all kinds of ways to be the Ultimate Byotch if you put your mind to it, and that's true for men and women alike. Missed child support, even if it gets paid eventually, may mean you can't buy heating oil that month. Bankruptcy for one party, just to "get back" at you may mean you're suddenly the owner of a car loan - though the car got repo'ed!! And, notice, I say "may" since each court appearance will cost you a minimum of $1500 (and I write my own pleadings and motions though I still have to have counsel of record speak for me in court) and then, the Judge can decided in your favour, but, and you're not gonna like this, probably not. It will probably be a compromise, with time to cure the default, another court appearnace and more legal fees.

This is all designed to keep the parties out of the courts, wasting taxpayer dollars, which ain't popular with legislators, especially around election time, legislators who, for the most part, are lawyers themselves. Aha! No one cares about your problems, my friends and the justice system does not, I repeat, does not provide justice. From my lawsuit experience, both on the plaintiff and defendant sides in NY, the real purpose of going to court is to execute a suit-and-time game of "chicken." Any lawyer will tell you that anyone can sue anyone else for anything at any time and that 95% of all civil matters are ajudicated via settlement. So . . . leave the lawyers out of the loop, work out your sh*t, get counselling to deal with the fact that your ex, and you, too, probably, are assholes, and move on.

Oh, look, it's not easy. I understand the pain, humiliation, the sense at defeat at compromise BUT the upside is huge. First, you become your own man (or woman) again and will have to grow the f*ck up since there's no one else to blame other than yourself for screwing up. But, there's no one else to take the credit when you win. You can be the architect of a better existance for yourself and your kids, one in which both parents will be "top o' the heap." Listen here - kids grow up and before you know it, as a parent, you will be largely irrelevant. That's how it's supposed to be. Whatever you save on legal fees can be invested for them so that they can pay for college and have a better life or a set of really good tools, if they're not going the college route, to start in their own technical or craft field, or whatever life brings. Further, getting every ounce of blood out of the spouse may be satisfying, but you will generate a LIFETIME of enmity and hatred. Don't believe me? Look back at some of my posts.

Finally, don't fall into the same patterns as before. Be courteous, as you would to a boss or coworker. Your ex is not your fellow oarsman anymore and there's no tacit social contract other than what would exist between ordinary, unmarried people. That you have a history of hysteria doesn't count a whit.

So, my settlement means that I'm going to be busy constructing (not "reconstructing", as why on earth would I want to do the same things all over again if they didn't work too good the last time?) a life that's mine. When that's done and when I'm on an even keel, I'll go to the next step, at my pace. In the meantime, I'll keep my job, my car, buy a house and live my very own American Dream - sans the wife, Labrador and two point five kids.

I hope this settlement sticks, I really do, because, you know what? I'm pooped. Too pooped to pop.