ANother Typical Ass-Breaking Day

Good God. It never stops.

Woke up early and began fighting with my crazy ex at 8:30 after having come in at 3 AM from work. She is trying to break me but can't as a tactic perceived is no tactic at all. Still, it sucks.

- Wrote five e-mails to her.
- Prepped a check for the mortgage. Made a letter to her lawyer including envelope to mail at 12:30 if she didn't give me proof of payment. Proof came later that she lied about making the payment, that someone else did - we'll find out who on September 19th.
- Shampooed the rug in the LR
- Made coffee
- Cleaned up the kitchen
- Washed the floor
- Folded and did three loads of laundry and folded those, too.
- Changed the cat litter
- Paid my bills
- Made copies for the lawyer and the payment book.
- Wrote a new document for her to sign indicating what the money was for and that she was responsible for it and that she would give me proof on Wednesday that it was paid, of the agreement and the amount.
- Got her to sign it.
- Shampooed part of the rug in my basement.
- Checked my credit scores - still one point short.
- Looked at some documents
- Hung with S. Decided to cook.
- Fielded a dozen calls from ex regarding a simple oil change that was supposed to be done five weeks ago that itself had been the subject of 16 e-mails.
- Went shopping,
- Made rattaouille
- Ate it.
- Clean the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and ran that.
- Replaced light bulbs
- Fed the cats

The Long Haul

After two years of rage, insanity, drunkeness, anti-depressants, sickeness and death, just liek that, it's over. My marriage, that is. Today is the day the final draft of my settlement agreement was mastered and executed by both parties, as the lawyers like to say, but if we were having parties, I missed the keg.

The lawyers must have been laughing over their respective beers when they met after work at the Barrister, a local pub down the road from the courthouse. "My client's definitely crazy. And, they're arguing about a total divorce estate of under $300K - do you believe that?" her lawyer would say. My lawyer would have responded, "Listen, all I know is that I'm making my house payments on time and should I complain if they want to try to kill each other? It's all . . ." "Billable time!" finishes her lawyer. They chortle and order another round.

If I did this, if I did that. If, if, if. Well, I didn't The outcome would have been the same in terms of dollars and cents. I would still feel dirty and used and alone. Look at McGreevy - the judge didn't believe either of them and denied wifey alimony and awarded the typical child support based on New Jersey's juducal guidelines for that. Case closed.

In my universe, it's a matter of what I can do to go forward from here. How long before I have a house, fix my car, sleep without having to lock my bedroom door? So, I gave away my interest in the house in exchange for no alimony and the assumption of about half the debt, but I keep the car and the car payments, and the deal's off if the derogatory credit issues don't start disappearing within about two weeks, since they're not mine. When all is said and done, because I don't have to spend another $15K in legal fees, I actually come out ahead a little bit, better and sooner than if I went to court.

And that's the point. The disengagement, I mean. It's important to separate the evil grown-ups, give them a starting point and move on to the next case, as far as the courts are concerned. And that's a pretty good way of looking at it. Be fair, set aside all emotion, and git'r'done. It's over, baby, so, move it along. No purpose is served otherwise. Yes, you're right in your righteous indignation but, so what?

So here's my advice: agree to take care of your kids and their future. Make sure that both people have an equal shot at recasting their lives. No, a house isn't required to raise a family, sorry ladies. If Mr. Man needs to live in an apartment, maybe you do, too. Pay off those debts. Get your ducks in a row and dial all your sh*t back to when he was that cute guy you met at your cousin's wedding and she was that babe you couldn't wait to nail when she could still pull off the midriff tee. Respect yourself by NOT giving in to the temptation to fight back, instead, press forward for a resolution. And, here's the key: if you think any legal document is going to "protect" you, let me tell you that after dealing with contract law for fifteen years, unless both parties benefit and enthusiastically support the terms, forget it. You MUST give 60% and so must the other side - get it? Otherwise, forget it. There are all kinds of ways to be the Ultimate Byotch if you put your mind to it, and that's true for men and women alike. Missed child support, even if it gets paid eventually, may mean you can't buy heating oil that month. Bankruptcy for one party, just to "get back" at you may mean you're suddenly the owner of a car loan - though the car got repo'ed!! And, notice, I say "may" since each court appearance will cost you a minimum of $1500 (and I write my own pleadings and motions though I still have to have counsel of record speak for me in court) and then, the Judge can decided in your favour, but, and you're not gonna like this, probably not. It will probably be a compromise, with time to cure the default, another court appearnace and more legal fees.

This is all designed to keep the parties out of the courts, wasting taxpayer dollars, which ain't popular with legislators, especially around election time, legislators who, for the most part, are lawyers themselves. Aha! No one cares about your problems, my friends and the justice system does not, I repeat, does not provide justice. From my lawsuit experience, both on the plaintiff and defendant sides in NY, the real purpose of going to court is to execute a suit-and-time game of "chicken." Any lawyer will tell you that anyone can sue anyone else for anything at any time and that 95% of all civil matters are ajudicated via settlement. So . . . leave the lawyers out of the loop, work out your sh*t, get counselling to deal with the fact that your ex, and you, too, probably, are assholes, and move on.

Oh, look, it's not easy. I understand the pain, humiliation, the sense at defeat at compromise BUT the upside is huge. First, you become your own man (or woman) again and will have to grow the f*ck up since there's no one else to blame other than yourself for screwing up. But, there's no one else to take the credit when you win. You can be the architect of a better existance for yourself and your kids, one in which both parents will be "top o' the heap." Listen here - kids grow up and before you know it, as a parent, you will be largely irrelevant. That's how it's supposed to be. Whatever you save on legal fees can be invested for them so that they can pay for college and have a better life or a set of really good tools, if they're not going the college route, to start in their own technical or craft field, or whatever life brings. Further, getting every ounce of blood out of the spouse may be satisfying, but you will generate a LIFETIME of enmity and hatred. Don't believe me? Look back at some of my posts.

Finally, don't fall into the same patterns as before. Be courteous, as you would to a boss or coworker. Your ex is not your fellow oarsman anymore and there's no tacit social contract other than what would exist between ordinary, unmarried people. That you have a history of hysteria doesn't count a whit.

So, my settlement means that I'm going to be busy constructing (not "reconstructing", as why on earth would I want to do the same things all over again if they didn't work too good the last time?) a life that's mine. When that's done and when I'm on an even keel, I'll go to the next step, at my pace. In the meantime, I'll keep my job, my car, buy a house and live my very own American Dream - sans the wife, Labrador and two point five kids.

I hope this settlement sticks, I really do, because, you know what? I'm pooped. Too pooped to pop.

So far this week . . .

In this macrocosmic life, one thing is for sure: the sh*t never stops coming.


Monday:
Got home early as I had an early shift, to make dinner with my kid.
-I didn't get to make dinner, of course, as suddenly, my ex was all about making dinner.
- Fixed my kid's CD ROM drive by first trying to replace it, then repairing it on the spot on the replacement was broken.
- Removed all the software she doesn't use
- Defragged the drive
- Vacuumed the inside of the case

Tuesday, starting at six AM:
Changed the cat litter
Dried and folded 261 pieces of laundry, none of which was mine
* I was punished, rather than thanked, for the above by vitriol and verbal abuse
- Washed the front of the washer and drier as the old black cat marks these for some reason
- Vacuumed the cobwebs in the basement
- Replaced a lightbulb in the upper bathroom that had been out for a week
- Put in new toilet paper
- Gathered the wet and rotting towels from both bathrooms and bleach-washed them
- Laundered my blanket
- Sorted socks, then gave up
- Cleaned the kitchen
- Cleaned the spill of coffee on the floor (my ex spilled and simply walked away.)
- Responded to one of her e-mails after her second attempt at intimidating me into an argument, which I did not do. One e-mail I sent, calm and cool, the other I kept as a record of what happened.
- Made a deal with my lawyer regarding payment. He says I can start counting the days - about 60 to go. Hard to believe.
- Washed up and went to work, stayed until 12, got home 1:30 AM

Wednesday
- Woke up at 6:30, wrote an e-mail, checked my accounts
- Went back to sleep at 9:30, slept until 12:30
- Made a mad scramble for the shower and got to work at 2:30, half-hour late after a big traffic jam on 15
- Stopped at QuikCheck, got cigs, coffee and nutrigrain bars. That's what I ate all day, 150 calories at a time for a total of six bars or 900 calories, plus the coffee at 200 calories.
- Worked hard all day.
- Returned a call from my ex at about six-thirty after she was told not only by me but a court order to not call me at work. She attempted to start an argument, I declined, she said many nasty things and hung up. I went back to work. I assume she had been drinking as this is her aspect when she's on the sauce.
- Left work at 11:15. Didn't stop for food as I had already decided to do a short shop at Pathmark and would reward myself with cereal vittles when I got home.
- Drove in the pouring, blinding rain. The lightning was impressive.
- Stopped at Pathmark, milk, eggs, waffles, cereal, turkey bacon, Snapple, grapes, all on sale. Dragged it out to the van in cold (67 degree) drizzle.
- Got home, watching my gas usage all the way. Unloaded my three bags of papers and personal items plus six bags of groceries that cost $27. I noticed the downstairs' apartment's AC was on, as it always is when my ex is there, regardless of the outside temp.
- Came in to find the kitchen and LR was a total mess. I took a piece of pita bread and some horseradish cheese and resolved to quietly clean it up. I took photos first. And, all the lights were on as was the TV.
- Cleaned the kitchen.
- Loaded the dishwasher
- Put away clean dishes and pots - all very quietly so as to not wake the ex. I guarantee you that you couldn't be this quiet.
- Cleaned out the toaster.
- Scrubbed the sink as it was literally filthy.
- Threw away, or prepped for recycling, old empty boxes of cereal and butter and so forth.
- Ate my cheese sandwich, which had been microwaved.
- Fed the cats and gave them water. This clearly hadn't been done despite calling my daughter on it twice and getting the promise that she was doing it right now.
- Cleaned the countertops.
- Put away some baking pans into the oven whereupon I noticed the oven was dirty.
- Cleaned the outside of the oven.
- Poured myself a drink of diet chocolate soda.
- Folded a kitchen towel and hung up the oven mitt.
- Turned off all of the lights.
- Ate a piece of the bananna pie that my daughter had made leaving that piece for me.
- Opened some windows.
- Went upstairs, turned on the TV for some company (Bears in river country) and wrote this entry.

That's it.

Late Return, No Surprise

D didn't bother to mention that she was at my brother and sister in law's where I know they have phone service, until a quarter till twelve. There was some concocted story about how her car broke down (side story goes here) and she had to take a cab from South Orange. She's such a persistent liar that I don't even know why I bother asking. The truth is that she was on a drunk and when she came home, she was drunk and she had a bottle with her, no less, as I retrieved the cork.

The dishes I left out for the last three days. On day two, I emptied the top rack of the dishwasher. Tonight, I picked up all the trash and empty milk and drink bottles, emptied the bottom rack of the d/w and loaded it. That took me fifteen minutes, after working for 11 hours straight. A coworker gave me some Polish dill soup to take home which I microwaved. It was great and I gave some to my favorite cat, Sp, but don't tell the other cats. I sat near S, who was curled up on the couch. She said she came home, had a snack and dozed off. So, though I could have left earlier by request, or a call could have been made at least to tell me there was a rpoblem, nothing was done and, yes, I did call, S didn't have access to the phone, I assume, since the door to D's space was locked. Her cell phone is disconnected. She could have been sick or in trouble and I wouldn't have known until too late. Yes, I will get her a cell phone. Yes, I will talk to her to make sure she understands that she has to get in touch with me. And I will shut my mouth and carefully document this so that she knows that I know and so that the court knows. This is neglect and is willfull on her part. There's simply no excuse, none at all.

Swollen Hands

Yesterday was a good if difficult day with S. She took a very, very long time to get ready. In the meantime, I bought her a bow (for archery, about $51 with shipping) on eBay. I also read up on archery and local clubs and called a local guy named Sig something, whose name S felt was "awesome," about archery lessons. I got the address for Stewart's, which S wasn't in the mood for, as it turned out, and I spent a good half-hour finding the location, though I didn't hold this against her, of course, just mentioning as it is one of the mundane tasks that took more time than it should have.

We went to Sizzler near the Mall. We talked about the divorce without actually using the "D" word. She said she basically wanted to know who she was living with and where and that she wanted to stay in the same house, ideally. She had also asked me in the car what the Parenting Seminar was about. It occurs to me now that she might have thought that I was having a baby or something else other than it having to do with her. I explained that the State was intent on protecting the kids of divorcing couples and this was meant to help make the adults a wee bit smarter about how they treated each other and their kids during the "process."

She had the salad bar and I had the Malibu chicken, which I really like, followed by way too many rounds at the salad bar along with two rounds of dessert which was a small square of pound cake, a little pineapple and then strawberry topping and frozen vanilla yoghurt.

We then walked it off at Borders, where S had a hard time deciding between four books: Go Ask Alice, Tweak, Breakfast of Champions and one other. We topped that off with a visit to Blockbuster, where we rented two movies - Juno, which she had seen and I had not, though we didn't actually see it, and Sweeney Todd, during which we both kind of fell asleep. She gave me a blankie to curl up under, she went to dreamland and I followed soon after.

The following day, today, Sunday, I bought S some arrows, talked with her a bit, brushed the dog with her, trimmed some payis the dog had generated near her ears, petted the cats, cleaned up the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and such, made breakfast (before sitting with S) including picante home fries that were "eh" but interesting for future improvement, sanded and primed my bedroom and the living room ceiling, including patching some bad plastering from the past owner, put together the garbage, collected garbage from upstairs, shaved but didn't shower, talked on the phone a bit, checked e-mail, wrote e-mail, checked my e-Trade accoung, checked some stock picks, kicked myself for not following my own advice on Apple which is at 180 (arrrrrrgh!) and found two new picks, intended to buy but couldn't get in to my account, checked my credit (which rose 80 points due to a correction, just as the mortgage broker said it would) looked at mortgage options, called customer support at Transunion to allow access to that account.

I mowed the lawn and trimmed it. This was hard work and resulted in swollen hands, slightly. I also planted two plant, one of which was a pepper plant from last year that stayed alive (I just watered it, so go figure, and another flowering plant that was kept inside but is near death. Later, I watered all of the house plants.

Later, I did some test recordings of voice mail as I have no other way of getting it off my phone.

This Morning

I was determined to not do anything in the downstairs this morning. Every day, I pick up the mess from the day before. Clean dishes are put away, scraps of food are thrown out, trash is gathered and the animal effluvia is dealt with. But I simply can't leave a mess just laying there. So, this morning I:

- swept up coffee grounds
- collected trash from the kitchen surfaces
- cleaned up the coffee maker
- made fresh coffee
- picked up dog poo
- put all the clean dishes away
- loaded the dishwasher
- wiped down the counters
- threw away empty paper towel wrappers and picked up paper towels from the floor
- picked up cellophane cigarette wrapper
- sorted the recycling and trash in the garage and tied it up
- scrubbed a small pan

I didn't

- scrub the large pan in the sink
- clean up the dog pee
- wash the floor
- feed the animals

because enough is enough.

Quite A Lot

finished and thought you would be sleeping so I didn't call. I'm doing something wrong here. I worked all week, 63 hours, then got up at 7:15, and worked 16.5 hours cleaning up, Here's what I did:

cleaned the glass table in the dining room
ate dinner (at 10:30 PM)
Vacuumed downstairs plus basement and steps to second floor
Cat litter
Loaded the dryer
Reorganized the linen closet (everything was pulled out.)
Folded clothes and brought up the towels I folded to put in the linen closet
3 loads of laundry, including laundry left from last Monday
collected towels for a white load and pulled off a pillow case from a pillow in the LR
collected other clothes for a dark/cold load
threw out wasted food - a bag full
cleaned out the fridge including all of the glass shelves
reorganized the pantry, loaded in all of the food
Shopping
Plaster and sand
vacuumed
cleaned out the stove, half way because it's a disaster
cleaned out the burned-on batter in a muffin pan and a bundt pan
put away the dishes and pots
collected trash from what the little dog destroyed in the LR
cleaned up the dog poo and cat pee in the kitchen
replanted a Japanese maple in the spot formerly occupied by a oak stump. This involved taking off the lattice trim around the porch to dig the tree out since it was growing under the porch, digging the tree out, redistributing the dirt and making room to place again the lattice
moved collected branches to the curb
bagged 30 bags of leaves and twigs, moved 40 to the curb
edged and mowed the lawn in the front and back and wacked weeds
picked up and bagged all of the trash in the backyard including what D threw on the lawn from the veggie garden and that entailed picking out bamboo garden stakes from the piles.
took the trash to the dump
went to Home Depot, which was a chore since no one seemed to know where the paper bags were. Also bought spackle and washers for the upstairs bathroom
collected the trash including re-bagging an over-stuffed, bug-infested bag that was left open. The garbage can is always packed super-tight. Trash is never wrapped up. Put 5 bags in the trunk of the car.
Sanded.
Did not exercise as I thought I'd get plenty - I was right
Looked at CL
Got dressed for dirty work including my too-big pants and uncomfortable shoes.
Took a shower
Drank coffee
Let the dogs out
Cleaned up poo
Fed the animals and watered them.
Used the potty.
Woke up
FRIDAY
Got home at 11:30
Got into work at 9:15
Took Shel and Dawn to Newark Penn station, dropped them off at 8:20
Left the house at 7:20, after waiting 20 minutes for Dawn to be ready. She carried a full complement of luggage.
showered, shaved, Shell was already ready, thankfully
woke up at 6:15

THURSDAY night, came in at 12-ish after starting at 9:15

What I didn't get done is:
Taxes
Clean the car
Go to the Parsippany Pep Boys to complain about my brakes I just had done.
Maybe get an alignment.
Put more stuff on eBay
Relist the item that didn't sell
Fix my Mac
Sort out and clean up and photograph stuff to sell

Now I will eat Rum Raisin ice cream and go to sleep, because I'm just that type of girl.