Just so you don't think the world suddenly endowed me with a team of servants to take care of the daily minutiae, I'm back with an update, but first, a tip about dealing with hard water.

Foist of all, as the Stooges might say, what is hard water? It feels pretty squishy coming out of the tap, right? Sure, sure. Hard water is everyday tap water that has a high amount of minerals - yes, rocks and stuff - dissolved in it. This is because the water comes from a well on your property that's drilled waaaay down where there is a chamber or cistern in the rock with water in it or a stream running deep below the surface of your lawn, between the bedrock. All that friction over millions of years is bound to pick up molecule-sized bits of mineral. When that comes out of your tap, it will feel decidedly unslippery, more so if there's more dissolved mineral in it.

Hey, I like Pellegrino, you might say, and if it's pouring out of my tap, so much the better. The problem is, when the water dries on a surface, it leaves behind the dissolved rock, a favorite target of the Scrubbing Bubbles people, and it also reduces the effectiveness of soaps. So, if you manage to travel away from home to a place with soft water, you'll notice that it no longer takes a half-cup of Head and Shoulders to get lathered up. Hard water also affects how well your clothes wash, whether they start to turn a bit grey over time and how well your dishes wash without spotting. And now that automatic dishwasher liquids are doing away with phosphates in order to do good by the environment, that spotting may be even worse for you hard water folks.

So, what's the solution? First of all, whether you rent or own a house, it's a good idea to find out what you're drinking. There are various water testing products on the market that range in price from $10 to $25 and Sears will test for the hardness of your water alone for free, at least in my neighborhood. If you have a well, you'll want to know whether Jimmy has fallen down it and what nasty stuff may be present. Really - this is important.

Once you've determined that you have hard water, you can a) install a water softener or repair the one you already have, b) say 'whatever' and chalk it up to nature being a pain (chalk - get it - it's a mineral . . . a ha ha ha) or c) deal with some of the most common things we do with water with some simple and inexpensive solutions.

Vinegar is a great way to reduce the alkalinity of you water and increase the effectiveness of anionic surfactants. In other words, good ol' white vinegar, used sparingly, will help reduce the stiffness of your clothes and reduce spotting on your dishes. A splash or two in the dishwasher (before starting a cycle) helps tremendously in most cases. There are also commercial solutions, the best of which, in my opinion, is also the cheapest, or pretty darn cheap, anyway, and that's Lemme Shine (lemmeshine.com) which can be added to dishwasher and is consistently amazing. I last saw it at Target for about $4 for the standard size.

There are filtered shower heads, but they won't fix hard water. If your hair is dull or you think that the water hardness is affecting the quality of your tousle, get a gallon jug of distilled water (water that's been evaporated and recondensed without any minerals at all) at the drug- or chain store and see if your hair feels better after a few washes.

Products with EDTA, which is an amino acid compound that will attach to heavy metals, with a final distilled water rinse, or citric acid rinses (1/4 tsp. in 1 cup distilled water) to chelate minerals on your hair. Vinegar might work too - 1 tablespoon in 1 cup distilled water.

Hard water in the desert or where rainfall is very low tends to be alkaline also. Acidic rinses might be helpful if that applies to you.

Busy Looking Out Of The Window?

Um, on one hand, I'm so busy that I don't know whether I've come or gone. On the other hand, I often find myself peering into space, trying to decide the minutiae of the moment.

Today, I:
- woke at 7
- made a Keurig coffee - yum!
- toasted a seventh-month-old Lender's frozen bagel - yum, again.
- used the commode
- scraped me whiskers
- thought again about an entertainment plan, with my child in mind, for tonight
- visited eBay and bought a battery and car charger for my "new" used phone. I'm such a cheapskate, but then, I have more money than you, so . . .
- made another coffee
- smoked (!) and regretted it not only because it's f-ing cold outside, but because I shoulda nota dun it. Do over!
- thought about how late it was getting
- scratched my ear
- assembled my daughter's gift (my old pro camera, a Fuji S2.) New memory card, strap, batteries (expensive ones at two for ten bucks). Let's see if she's a photographer.
- checked e-mail. No surprises, just junk, mailing lists, blah blah, blah
- peed
- wrote this

Now I have to:
- get yams, cookie dough, flour, other sh*t
- start cooking the ham
- run over to Marshall's to see about additional "budget" gifts for people I simply missed.
- cook the yams
- wrap
- put pictures up to be printed

I dunno, a lot of stuff, okay? I'm going now. Let's see what gets done.

Still Cleaning, But At Least It Matters

I'm still doing a lot of housework, but at least now it makes a difference and it feels like it matters.

Yesterday:
- Stopped at Pathmark, bought three bananas, two tomatoes, an Iceberg lettuce, two cans of Progresso soup, which was on sale for HALF PRICE at $1.33, a loaf of pseudo-pumpernickel and a Vidalia onion.
- Stopped to get some Leinenkugel's Berry (Loganberrie) beer and waited for a bit behind a woman who was setting up a kegger for $205, to pick up on Friday. The store overcharges for premium beer - $9.99 for six. I don't think I'll go back there.
- Came home, made the soup.
- Drank some of one beer.
- Put away the stuff that wasn't being used for dinner.
- Put away the last load of dishes.
- Petted the bird and, no, this isn't a euphemism for anything.
- Ate dinner.
- Put the dishes in the sink.
- Made up my daughter's room which had towels all over the place, a razor blade laying on the desky-thing, deoderant on the floor, clothes crumpled, including new clothes and clothes tags all over the place. Time for a chit-chat, I think.
- Took care of some private business.
- Transferred pics from my camera to my laptop for editing and upload. That done, I went to sleep. It was 11 or so.
Today:
- Had coffee.
- Shaved, brushed my remaining teeth, took care of private business again. Geez.
- Organized the bedroom and put up a curtain - no more free shows for the neighbors.
- Piled all the clothes for washing into the washing basket, but stopped short of running a load.
- Had more coffee. Contemplated making a bagel with cream cheese and realized that I didn't have time.
- Organized the bathroom upstairs and down.
- Replaced the toilet paper.
- Cleaned off the papers that were on the counter in the kitchen.
- Loaded the dishwasher.
- Put some pots in the oven.
- Collected and pocketed miscellaneous change from all around the house.
- Contemplated putting shoes away, but didn't.
- Put up the missing closet door in the master BR.
- Gather my stuff - wallet, lighter, etc., and jammed it all in my bag.
- Took a shower.
- Got dressed (thank you, Mr. Klein!)
- Rushed to the car, shutting off every light on the way and checking the heat.
- I had a flat, soo . . . paged my boss and put air in the tire with my electric pump.
- Squeeged the windows to the car.
- Drove the heck away.

I sat in traffic for TWO HOURS. Oh, well. The day's not over.

Today's Not Gay

Okay. I did more "housework" than I should have, but since it mostly had to do with my own stuff since the divorce, I guess it's kinda okay.

1. Checked my stock losses.
2. Checked my e-mail.
3. Took a whizz.
4. Recognized that I was already tired and it was only 9 AM.
5. Got some coffee.
6. Gathered up my paltry amount of laundry and put it to run. I first had to remove D's over-stuffed wet laundry and put that in the dryer. Not all of it would fit in the dryer so I set that aside so that my stuff could dry after washing first.
7. Put together more stuff from the kitchen and bathroom to pack and move.
8. Had more coffee.
9. Packed some stuf.
10. Shaved and showered.
11. Tried to work out how to return my EZ Pass and reopen my account except the CSR was just too darn stupid. They clearly get rated on how quickly they can dispose of calls. Stoopid practice.
12. Wrote a letter to include with my EZ Pass and a check.
13. Made some eggs.
14. Put my stuff together and left and forgot my food. Damn.
15. Opened up the garage in order to get the piece of equipment I needed to possibly ship out.
16. Stopped at the Post Office, got my mail and Priority Mailed my EZ Pass, letter and check. I doubt that will go well.
17. Went to work.
18. Ate a lot of pizza (it was free) at the grand opening of the company cafeteria.
19. Worked.
20. Texted my girlfriend.
21. Worked until 1:05.
22. Drove "home" and got back at 2:05. It rained somewhat.
23. Got into the house and ate a wheat cracker packet with real cheese.
24. Wrote this.

Big fun, huh?

Even When I'm Down, I'm Up

So . . . night before last I e-mailed my brother to let him know I could meet him at his job at around noon, only, I apparently didn't press "send." So, I reflexively sent it at about 10:30, which he didn't reply to, so I e-mailed again, in a more conciliatory tone, that I was having car problems and that I could meet him the next day, Friday, which is tomorrow. He didn't reply to that, either.

He's playing the "f*ck you" game. Smile while you twist the knife, but you're smiling because you actually do enjoy it. Bitch. And all because I called him on his bullsh*t e-mail from the previous-previous day that gave him the excuse to pretend to be ticked off. Bitch. Yes, I know I wrote that twice.

He said something like "given that I understand the sensitive situation you're in regarding the negotiations with (your lovely wife), I have not shared the details of our business together." Yeah, okay. And She Who Must Be Obeyed has every detail and date even before I do, yet, he's not uttered a word. I said that she must be prescient, but that I don't really care anymore. And I don't. He wasted nearly a year dragging his feet with the brokers when it could have been wrapped up in a week. Mom would be pissed, but she's not here, so, f*ck her, too, I guess. Then f*ck you, J.

Yes, no sh*t, I'm angry. I HAVE A GOOD REASON, I think.

So, I'm finding that this bunch of assholes are burning through my time. And yet, I'm the gift that keeps on giving. Well, no, I think not. Except that when I'm gone, at least S may notice the difference . . .

Here's what I did today:
- Woke at 8:30 after going to sleep at 2:30 AM
- Heated up some old coffee - I see that SWMBO decided that they gravy train had really passed and decided to lazily glom a can of QuickChek's finest brew. A miracle.
- Fed the kitties the last of the cat food. I guess the kid doesn't like them too much and SWMBO had told me a storyof how she once "accidentally" killed her cat. Yeah, okay.
- Went down to get my laundry out of the dryer. It was crumpled up in a ball on the pool table. Whatever Her Highness had washed last was still in the washer, moldy. I dried it, mold and all and started a load of my own. I used the clothes soap I bought last week and hid in my room as every time I bought clothes soap, D would use it up within two days. I guess she poured it down the drain so that I couldn't wash S's clothes. I suspect this as this is what happened to all of the cleaning supplies I've bought over the last year. And just because I don't see her do the crazy things she does, doesn't mean I'm not right on the mark, because I am.
- Collected other laundry and brought it upstairs or put it away in the linen closet.
- Collected 36 plastic bottles and bagged them.
- Assessed the trash sitch.
- Made my bed.
- Turned off S's air conditioner, opened a window and put the phone to charge.
- Rebooted my new phone and looked at solutions to my problem with a Javascript exception.
- Put my clothes in the dryer.
- Took a shower.
- Washed the kitchen, dining room and upstairs bathroom floors.
- Did 100 sit-ups. Okay - 70. Lifted a few times.
- Got dressed. Packed a bag, just in case my car broke down.
- Drove to work. Picked up the mail on the way. The E&S jerks sent me a debit notice, a week after the debit went through. Genius. The PSA was in there too, from my illustrious attorney.
- Worked. Gave R an entire dissertation on management. What am I doing there?
- Talked to my kid who was engrossed in homework. I called the home phone during the morning and D called me back. She called me back a little later and was rude, crazy and impossible.
- Went home, fearing the rain and the car, but it actually drove a little better, though going up hils at 30 MPH is not too much fun.
- Stopped at Pathmark to get catfood and 1 roll of toilet paper. $3.68. I need to present that to the judge for reimbursement. On my way in, I encountered a Sherrif who said, loudly, "What's goin' on?" I said, "Not too much, yet." He said, louder still, "Huh?" in a sort of better-talk-louder-boy tone that I didn't like at all. I repeated myself, more loud-like. He chuckled and said, "Awright." He was then distracted by some rowdy teens in the next parking lot over and decided to eyeball that "situation." They weren't taking debit cards at the Patmark but the lady said,"We'll put it through as a credit." Then, I wondered, what the heck is the difference?
- Drove home.
- Fed the now-ravenous cats.
- Gave them water.
- Surveyed the mess in the kitchen and dining room I had cleaned up a scant twelve hours earlier and just muttered "no" to myself and turned away. I picked off a piece of Saran wrap that was stuck to my shoe and put it in the garbage can.
- Came up to my Lair, put my stuff down, typed this for 40 minutes and three bullets ago, realized I left my cigarettes in the car.
- Put on my coat, went downstairs, turned on the porch light, went to the car in the rain, got my cigarettes, came back here.
- Finished writing this.

Now, I'm done. I guess.

ANother Typical Ass-Breaking Day

Good God. It never stops.

Woke up early and began fighting with my crazy ex at 8:30 after having come in at 3 AM from work. She is trying to break me but can't as a tactic perceived is no tactic at all. Still, it sucks.

- Wrote five e-mails to her.
- Prepped a check for the mortgage. Made a letter to her lawyer including envelope to mail at 12:30 if she didn't give me proof of payment. Proof came later that she lied about making the payment, that someone else did - we'll find out who on September 19th.
- Shampooed the rug in the LR
- Made coffee
- Cleaned up the kitchen
- Washed the floor
- Folded and did three loads of laundry and folded those, too.
- Changed the cat litter
- Paid my bills
- Made copies for the lawyer and the payment book.
- Wrote a new document for her to sign indicating what the money was for and that she was responsible for it and that she would give me proof on Wednesday that it was paid, of the agreement and the amount.
- Got her to sign it.
- Shampooed part of the rug in my basement.
- Checked my credit scores - still one point short.
- Looked at some documents
- Hung with S. Decided to cook.
- Fielded a dozen calls from ex regarding a simple oil change that was supposed to be done five weeks ago that itself had been the subject of 16 e-mails.
- Went shopping,
- Made rattaouille
- Ate it.
- Clean the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and ran that.
- Replaced light bulbs
- Fed the cats

The Long Haul

After two years of rage, insanity, drunkeness, anti-depressants, sickeness and death, just liek that, it's over. My marriage, that is. Today is the day the final draft of my settlement agreement was mastered and executed by both parties, as the lawyers like to say, but if we were having parties, I missed the keg.

The lawyers must have been laughing over their respective beers when they met after work at the Barrister, a local pub down the road from the courthouse. "My client's definitely crazy. And, they're arguing about a total divorce estate of under $300K - do you believe that?" her lawyer would say. My lawyer would have responded, "Listen, all I know is that I'm making my house payments on time and should I complain if they want to try to kill each other? It's all . . ." "Billable time!" finishes her lawyer. They chortle and order another round.

If I did this, if I did that. If, if, if. Well, I didn't The outcome would have been the same in terms of dollars and cents. I would still feel dirty and used and alone. Look at McGreevy - the judge didn't believe either of them and denied wifey alimony and awarded the typical child support based on New Jersey's juducal guidelines for that. Case closed.

In my universe, it's a matter of what I can do to go forward from here. How long before I have a house, fix my car, sleep without having to lock my bedroom door? So, I gave away my interest in the house in exchange for no alimony and the assumption of about half the debt, but I keep the car and the car payments, and the deal's off if the derogatory credit issues don't start disappearing within about two weeks, since they're not mine. When all is said and done, because I don't have to spend another $15K in legal fees, I actually come out ahead a little bit, better and sooner than if I went to court.

And that's the point. The disengagement, I mean. It's important to separate the evil grown-ups, give them a starting point and move on to the next case, as far as the courts are concerned. And that's a pretty good way of looking at it. Be fair, set aside all emotion, and git'r'done. It's over, baby, so, move it along. No purpose is served otherwise. Yes, you're right in your righteous indignation but, so what?

So here's my advice: agree to take care of your kids and their future. Make sure that both people have an equal shot at recasting their lives. No, a house isn't required to raise a family, sorry ladies. If Mr. Man needs to live in an apartment, maybe you do, too. Pay off those debts. Get your ducks in a row and dial all your sh*t back to when he was that cute guy you met at your cousin's wedding and she was that babe you couldn't wait to nail when she could still pull off the midriff tee. Respect yourself by NOT giving in to the temptation to fight back, instead, press forward for a resolution. And, here's the key: if you think any legal document is going to "protect" you, let me tell you that after dealing with contract law for fifteen years, unless both parties benefit and enthusiastically support the terms, forget it. You MUST give 60% and so must the other side - get it? Otherwise, forget it. There are all kinds of ways to be the Ultimate Byotch if you put your mind to it, and that's true for men and women alike. Missed child support, even if it gets paid eventually, may mean you can't buy heating oil that month. Bankruptcy for one party, just to "get back" at you may mean you're suddenly the owner of a car loan - though the car got repo'ed!! And, notice, I say "may" since each court appearance will cost you a minimum of $1500 (and I write my own pleadings and motions though I still have to have counsel of record speak for me in court) and then, the Judge can decided in your favour, but, and you're not gonna like this, probably not. It will probably be a compromise, with time to cure the default, another court appearnace and more legal fees.

This is all designed to keep the parties out of the courts, wasting taxpayer dollars, which ain't popular with legislators, especially around election time, legislators who, for the most part, are lawyers themselves. Aha! No one cares about your problems, my friends and the justice system does not, I repeat, does not provide justice. From my lawsuit experience, both on the plaintiff and defendant sides in NY, the real purpose of going to court is to execute a suit-and-time game of "chicken." Any lawyer will tell you that anyone can sue anyone else for anything at any time and that 95% of all civil matters are ajudicated via settlement. So . . . leave the lawyers out of the loop, work out your sh*t, get counselling to deal with the fact that your ex, and you, too, probably, are assholes, and move on.

Oh, look, it's not easy. I understand the pain, humiliation, the sense at defeat at compromise BUT the upside is huge. First, you become your own man (or woman) again and will have to grow the f*ck up since there's no one else to blame other than yourself for screwing up. But, there's no one else to take the credit when you win. You can be the architect of a better existance for yourself and your kids, one in which both parents will be "top o' the heap." Listen here - kids grow up and before you know it, as a parent, you will be largely irrelevant. That's how it's supposed to be. Whatever you save on legal fees can be invested for them so that they can pay for college and have a better life or a set of really good tools, if they're not going the college route, to start in their own technical or craft field, or whatever life brings. Further, getting every ounce of blood out of the spouse may be satisfying, but you will generate a LIFETIME of enmity and hatred. Don't believe me? Look back at some of my posts.

Finally, don't fall into the same patterns as before. Be courteous, as you would to a boss or coworker. Your ex is not your fellow oarsman anymore and there's no tacit social contract other than what would exist between ordinary, unmarried people. That you have a history of hysteria doesn't count a whit.

So, my settlement means that I'm going to be busy constructing (not "reconstructing", as why on earth would I want to do the same things all over again if they didn't work too good the last time?) a life that's mine. When that's done and when I'm on an even keel, I'll go to the next step, at my pace. In the meantime, I'll keep my job, my car, buy a house and live my very own American Dream - sans the wife, Labrador and two point five kids.

I hope this settlement sticks, I really do, because, you know what? I'm pooped. Too pooped to pop.